This post is going to be a bit different than the ones before it; instead more tarot-based. One of my “practices” is pulling tarot cards. I find them to be an incredible divination tool (but I believe everyone is drawn to their own thing). I started tracking the cards I pulled in a calendar, which has been really helpful to pick up on patterns. There have been a few that keep jumping out of the deck recently, but the Tower has come up 3 times within a week! And if you know anything about tarot, you probably winced at that statement.

The Tower used to scare me. Anxiety would creep up, wondering what would fall apart. How could things get worse? But it doesn’t really scare me anymore after experiencing everything shatter. There reaches a point where the dust settles, and then there is a choice. Will this experience change the next choice, or is the lesson going to be repeated? With this perspective, this card holds some light, in my opinion. I find that has helped me navigate everything I am moving through right now and allows me to anchor on the outcome. What will be left at the end is usually growth and expansion.

Before I went on the Montreal trip, I knew it would disorient me a bit; those trips always do. I feel like things speed up a bit; it’s like being shot out of a cannon for my ride back home. I didn’t expect to blink and only have a few days left in my apartment. I can’t believe our time here is almost up. And it’s bringing up so many emotions. There’s the added pressure of my job, feeling really excited about the future but know it’s going to be a lot of work to get to our goal. Adding to the pressure to be the best version of myself, because the people I work with are that great. And all of the uncertainty around my financial situation, plus feeling like I have such an opportunity with one of my horses. It’d be a missed opportunity if I didn’t commit to developing him to his full potential. One of these would really disorient me, and now it’s all at the same time.

But it’s this really weird liminal space, where everything is shifting in front of my eyes. I feel like reality is so flexible. In a way, it feels like it took me this long to figure out my beliefs about reality, which have really been honed in over the past 3 years. But now that I have a deeper understanding, it’s all starting to come together. I don’t find myself needing to try to do things in the same way I used to. For example, when I first learned that my racing thoughts were bad (I genuinely thought the overthinking was helping me for the first 2 years of this journey, lol), I wanted them to go away. I would try to stop, but it was pretty challenging and never really sustained. My new default is to not be in that state; my mind is often quiet, and when I venture into it, I easily catch myself. There are many more things that I still have left to conquer, but it feels less like an unknown. I spent so much time feeling clueless and unsure what I should even be doing. Now I have a pretty clear vision, and it’s simply a matter of whether I choose to execute (and not can I?). That’s another tough reality to face; I think it’s the thing that unsettles me the most. Knowing you have all of the tools you need to be successful, will you do it? Reality is already shifting.

It feels like this space is where there is all of the opportunity. Yet there is so much resistance. Hence the tower. And I’m at the stage where it’s crumbling. Then, with this card came the King of Pentacles. This is the archetype that struck it all down with divine force. But it was for the greatest good, in order to bring so much into a tangible form. A shadow of the King being stagnation, the Tower is the perfect pair to help break through that resistance. And then I realized it was me. I have been sitting here struggling with all of the emotions related to moving, when I was the one who really pulled the trigger on the decision. The beginning of this year was tough to navigate at times, and everything felt stagnant. I also felt like my boyfriend and I hadn’t become great versions of ourselves while living here, and I didn’t see that changing while we were in the same location. So I told him I think that we had to move. It really had become too expensive for me to live here, and my horses were too far away. There were some aspects of this decision where I felt like I had little choice. But it also took a level of boldness to act on that intuition. And that guidance feels divine. Likely the same force that struck the tower. The strike was to help strengthen the connection to that power of bringing vision into tangible form.

So there I am. Looking at all of this while I’m in a weird in-between phase. Unsure of what is holding me back, until I realize - it’s my old self. The identity of who I used to be. Particularly these past 3 years of my life, but also being intentional about releasing those expired versions. And that means letting go of the old patterns I have clung to, plus this chapter of my life. Where I didn’t get everything I wanted to, I actually blew up a lot. It wasn’t like my dreams easily came true; I actually got wrecked. Another learning is that I need to be aware not to fall into old patterning when I’m surrounded by people from the past. It’s not like I’m returning to the familiar - I’m going to old people as a new person, hoping they are new too. And it really has nothing to do with my circumstances either; I think they’re just shining a spotlight on an area I was letting hide for a while. I hadn’t been showing up as the best version of myself, so there had to be a catalyst to change course, or else I would have continued down that path.

One thing that has really helped me a lot is allowing myself to feel. Instead of trying to squash things down or ignore them, I approach them with curiosity. I have found this has given me a lot of clarity as well. There is a feeling of loss. Moving away from the place that has been home for the past 2 years, not immediately moving back in with my boyfriend, moving my horses from where they are now even though they’re so happy. I find myself continuing to think about our time here, all the memories, how much I have grown. It’s really sad to walk away, and it doesn’t feel real - it feels like a liminal space. I can’t believe how fast the time went by. Thinking about who I was when I moved in here. Full of excitement. This was the first place my boyfriend and I got to live in together, and we really grew a lot while being here.

I guess this was a very long-winded way of saying: things are really disorienting right now. And I am definitely going through a tower moment. Which, honestly, I think happens annually around this time. Last year, I ended up in a similar liminal space right before I received an offer and accepted my job, but when I was in this place last, I panicked. I just needed to be still, yet I was determined to swim against the tide. Even though I’ve been dealing with so much uncertainty and density - I feel really proud of how I’m navigating it this time. And also proud of myself for recognizing we had to move into a bigger space to keep growing. We could have stayed here and had another year of the same thing. But instead I chose change and discomfort. It’s really rewarding to feel different in this situation from other liminal spaces. I have honestly never had my reality shift so much. It’s like before I have even really gotten clear on a vision, things have already started to morph in front of me. And that feels like it just keeps calling me to connect more deeply to the power I have to bring the subconscious vision into 3D reality. When there is so much unknown, it’s such a place of opportunity due to all of the choices. But I also know that no matter what, I’m being guided on my highest path.

I have struggled a bit with my intuition and discernment. Particularly in this space, I’ve been unsure if I should choose a path and set my north star on it or if I should just let things unfold. I have been doing the latter due to my fragmentation and overwhelm, but there is definitely a place for more agency. I’ve had to do a lot of audits within myself to recognize how in the past, holding a very static vision limited me a lot. Now I’m learning how to tailor my approach while still bringing form into this world. Again, going back to being patient with myself helps a lot here, particularly dropping the expectation that I need to have it all figured out immediately. The biggest win from this is that the messages are actually integrating a bit! I feel like I’m able to anchor myself more and more each day, and I look forward to continuing on this journey.

Thanks for reading Etephra! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.