I’m at quite a weird time in my life. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog. The best way I can describe it is fragmented. I feel like my reality is constantly shifting, and it’s incredibly disorienting. My boyfriend and I have about a week left, 8 days to be exact, in our apartment. I honestly can’t believe how quickly the time went by. This place is probably where I grew up the most. It is where I was forced to become a real adult, facing a lot of challenging situations. And we’re not sure where we’ll end up yet. Once our lease is up, I’ll be house-sitting for my parents while they’re away in Kenya. Then it’s unclear what comes next from there.

The most challenging piece of it all is my horses. I’m realizing that I have some imprints of trauma that cause me to behave in funny ways. One of them is that I am very particular about my them and want to do all the care myself. My feelings on this strengthened after they didn’t receive what they deserved for a while. It left me with so much guilt and shame. I differ from many other people in the industry for that reason, and maybe it’s one of my flaws. It’s impossible for me not to empathize with the animal. I often think back to those situations where I knew they weren’t getting what they deserved but bit my tongue to keep the peace. Plus, given the life I live now, there’s something so grounding about the barn chores. It feels so good to use my body while increasing my strength and mobility. There are even more layers: riding forces me to show up as a better version of myself each day. Owning comes with a lot of responsibility, but I think that helps me show up in other areas of my life as well. And it’s the one thing that helps me escape all of the noise. Unfortunately, it makes moving really difficult. One of the main reasons I pushed to not renew our lease here is that I couldn’t find any barns close enough. And now I’m even more particular; I only want dry stalls. I don’t want to board with someone and ride in their program. My only desire is to be able to do my own thing.

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Montreal was such a great trip, but I feel like those trips often are. Working at home, I often feel pretty disconnected. I’m very lucky there aren’t a lot of meetings I need to be in so I have plenty of time to get work done. However, this can lead to me being a bit siloed at times, so it is always great to actually see everyone. And I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed being in the office. Usually I don’t enjoy being around people, especially for long periods of time. I find it can often be pretty draining. On those trips, I do always have a good time. They remind me how lucky I am to work where I do. And I’m coming up on 1 year in this role! Which is so rewarding to reflect on. One of the things I have really learned this year from it has been trust. I lost trust in so much: myself, my ability to take action, my intelligence, my intuition, people, the world. It was like I kept fighting until one day I woke up, and absolutely everything was unsafe - then there I was, frozen.

I’ve been pushed out of my shell of being a hermit into fluid communication, especially in group chats - those are not my thing. There have been times I’ve had to speak in front of people, forcing me to face my fear of being seen. And I’ve met some of the smartest people, who are also so kind. That’s what I am the most grateful for. My “job” (it never feels that way; it’s something I love) has been the most expansive blessing, and I am so excited to see how things develop in the next year (5 years, 10 years, etc.) I feel like I found a role and culture that I never knew existed. And if I did, I honestly probably wouldn’t have taken so many crazy leaps in a desperate attempt to escape the rat race.

There’s been a perspective shift that I want to anchor on for a bit. As I think it will be incredibly valuable. When I sit with what I have struggled with the most on my journey so far, it has been the unpredictability. And not because things may not go as you expect, but they might crumble. You could be leaping and thinking you are following alignment, then all of a sudden there’s nothing to land on. A complete free fall. And you think to yourself, “Surely something will catch me,” but you keep falling. And it doesn’t stop. When I reached this phase, I was filled with confusion and some stubborn anger. I felt the need to try to force it and started to panic. All of this was because I was looking for the 3D as proof that my internal world was changing. Any work I did on myself was discounted when faced with a challenge, because I thought the point of all of this was to make life easy. When I imagined an end state, funny now that I even thought there was one, it was me leisurely competing, running my quant system, and discretionary trading. I just thought I wouldn’t have to work that hard, all the money would come flooding in, and naturally I would be good at everything. But that is chasing comfort.

Experiences like competing make life worth living. There’s something about the increased nerves of being watched. The unfamiliarity of the show arena and the course. The fact that you only get one chance. If it were something that was easy or comfortable, it’s not something that would be worth doing. So when you take this perspective, you start to see that the more “spiritual progress” you make, which I would classify as a deeper connection with source and self, the more challenges you will face. Because it’s the way of growth, of conquering the self.

When facing discomfort, you are forced to anchor within yourself. There’s nothing else to rely on but the foundation of who you show up as each day. So not only have you lost those tools you use to escape reality, but you now need to face truth, demons, and whatever else comes up. It’s not an easy thing to do. It comes with a lot of responsibility. And for years, this type of situation would completely fragment me, then causing a spiral. Going on work trips is one way I have seen so much growth in myself. I went on my first one when I was in college - to Bermuda. The entire time I was there, I was a walking ball of anxiety. But once it was over, I felt more confident in my ability to handle the unknown. Believe it or not, I was more scared to go to NYC on the trip when I was in my first full-time role. Growing up close to the city, I just knew it to be incredibly overwhelming. My parents even insisted on driving in and dropping me off right in front of my hotel! I remember it got dark when I needed to go out to eat, and I felt panicked. How could I walk around New York alone in the dark? (It was only 7 pm, just the winter)

I have probably traveled more for this job than any of the others. The first trip, I was so nervous, particularly because I was going into the office. At least if you went on an offsite, everyone had to deal with the unfamiliar; this time, it would likely just be me. And I would be meeting all of the “big bosses.” Not that they act like that where I’m at, but at the time I didn’t realize that. Everyone was on a pedestal. I remember leaving that trip thinking “wow, I really need to show up as the best version of myself.” And now I wake up to that pressure every day. It’s not that anyone makes me feel that way either; I am just inspired by the people I work with and what I do. None of that would have been possible if it wasn’t for discomfort forcing me into growth. But there’s another element to this: it can be really fragmented for my nervous system. There have been some moments where there have been too many asks from different directions. I have struggled to prioritize and say no at times, and it’s something I have been forced to learn how to be better at.

One of the things that was the most eye-opening for me was that this new identity is incredibly uncomfortable. Even though I’ve been at my job for the past year, my responsibilities have changed a lot. They kind of created a role for me and since then, I have bounced around a bit. I think of my main responsibility as taking things off my manager’s plate. After a few months, I moved to a team that was building the new version of the system I was working on. This was a really great experience, in which I got to explore coding in a new language. I then got pulled back onto the system I was working on initially to take it over since my manager, who previously maintained it, was getting promoted. At first, my nervous system couldn’t handle it. While the switch was something we had intended to happen gradually, that’s not really how the circumstances played out.

I’m sitting here trying to think about times I have been stretched more, and honestly, there aren’t many. All of a sudden, I was the core person responsible for a really critical piece of the business. When I thought about all of the pieces, I felt completely overwhelmed. And honestly, 6 months later, I still find pieces of the system I didn’t realize existed. But I also am in awe of how much I learned so quickly. A year ago, I thought I had a clue, and now I’m realizing all I had was intuition. But that’s how I code, which is really weird. I don’t even understand it myself. I just feel into problems, and layers of solutions reveal themself to me. It was in these times that I really discovered that quality. When there was nowhere else left to go but myself, I had to figure things out. Truly, it feels like magic, but it’s become something so familiar. That alone is funny to think about: familiar magic. Not that my job is the only thing that contributes to this, but I feel like I have finally reached a place in my life where I can settle a bit. It’s a feeling of contentment I have never really had before. It definitely helps to finally be at a place where I feel that way, though. I love the work I do and the people I work with.

One of the most rewarding parts of my trip was the realization that I am slowly getting better at facing discomfort. Especially when it’s going on trips like this. While there are always unknowns, I find myself having more faith in my ability to navigate them. And I also appreciate the growth. I found myself looking forward to the person I would come back as, which was a new perspective I had never really explored before. And I can’t wait to keep experiencing even more discomfort. I imagine my biggest dreams will definitely be an uncomfortable experience, but it’s almost like that’s what makes them worth experiencing.

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