I have thought about this blog and iterated on it for quite some time now. The format is slowly becoming more static, so I figured it was time for an introduction. Etephra was created to document my unusual life. I have mixed feelings about 27. I spent most of my life so far in school, and the past 4 years I’ve been “an adult.” In that time, I started my first salaried job, anxiously traveled to offsites for the first time, was let go due to restructuring, ambitiously raised a bunch of money to chase my dreams, tried to start a business while independently quant trading, then watched it all blow up. I look back at these past 4 years, and they were volatile yet incredible. So I figured the next chapters are worth properly documenting.
Monday: Eight of Torches & Ten of Pentacles
I faintly hear my alarm, but my senses haven’t kicked in yet. I planned on waking up early to ride before work; no way would that happen given how I was feeling. It’s Monday; I can sleep in until 7 am and will still be able to feed the horses by 8. I try not to shame myself in the moments when my body is begging for rest, even though I find that incredibly challenging.
Feeling lazy, I threw on the clothes I wore for half of yesterday: old gray sweatpants, a gray shirt, and a yellow oversized hoodie. It wasn’t a relaxing weekend. I was on and off work. Saturday, I ended up kind of on call, waiting for when it was my turn to deploy our services. Then on Sunday, my young horse slid into his door. I found myself fearing the worst and unsure if he had injured himself. It felt like there were so many inconveniences that resulted in me not really getting to rest. But that was not unusual, so I tried not to focus on how bad I was feeling.
A bit of my mental bandwidth was spent around this platform. There was this feeling of uncertainty about what I would be posting. It’s felt like too much of a diary entry so far, and that wasn’t the intention. But I didn’t know what direction to go in. Then an idea popped into my head: what if I kept track of each day and posted a timeline of snippets? I’m intrigued by the concept, so it’s what I’m exploring. This meant I had to really turn up my awareness.
A feeling of horror came over me when I saw a glimpse of myself in the reflection of my car window. “Ah!!” I thought, “Those are some crazy dark circles. And the inflammation! You’re so swollen!” Unfortunately, there was a lack of surprise. I had fallen into some poor eating habits; my body was bound to be inflamed. But I burn so many calories and am so hungry all of the time; how else was I supposed to get enough fuel? My appearance was even worse than I expected when I saw myself in the bathroom mirror. “Gosh, you’ve got to get it together,” popped into my brain. The circles under my eyes were a bit concerning. I looked drained and inflamed.
Mild anxiety took over as soon as I got to the barn. I had a list of things to get done over the weekend. Even though I spent quite a bit of time in front of a computer, not much of the feature work got done. It left me feeling pretty behind, not ideal for a Monday morning. I spent some time debating when I would pull out my laptop, but it was as soon as I got out of my car. I just had to get started. Work consumed the day.
I’ve been struggling with the feeling of never completing what I need to. So the goal today was to get work done. I had 1 project I was hoping to tick off as complete. It ended up taking me a week (I’m editing this on Friday). In the morning, I figured I probably wouldn’t ride, leaving me plenty of opportunity. But I was up, typing away until 11:30 pm. While I didn’t finish what I had hoped, I made great progress.
Over the weekend, I listened to a podcast, and at the end, the guest suggested doing things your future self would be grateful for. Yoga was written down as a to-do on my planner in response to soreness that had become pretty persistent, and while it was late, I was reminded of that advice, which turned into my motivation. I put on one of my favorite yoga videos and began stretching. I noticed something I never had before: I’m holding so much tension in my hamstrings.
Tuesday: Four of Torches
Today was destined to be a good day - I finally got to wear my new riding pants! Between my horses, I can ride pretty much every day, but the clothing is incredibly expensive, so I’ve cycled through my 5 pairs of pants. Once I’m on the last pair, I know it’s time to do laundry. While I’ve wanted to purchase more for quite a long time now, I haven’t been in the position to do that. A few weeks ago, I was sitting on my trunk and looked down to see a rip at the seam. That was the sign I needed to purchase the new pants. After much research and deliberation, I settled on trying a new brand and eagerly waited for them to arrive. They were delivered yesterday, so obviously I’d be wearing them today.
I knew I wasn’t going to wake up early today (0/2) after being up so late trying to finish up work. I felt less tired, which was a nice relief, but still didn’t sleep great. My objective for the day was the exact same as the day prior: finish up this particular project. I got to the barn, fed my horses, then pulled out my laptop and set it up on the concrete wall of the wash stall inside the barn I rent (which I call my standing desk). I merged the PRs that were left open from last night; I meant to do it then but must have just fallen asleep. Then opened up Spotify to see what podcast I would listen to while doing chores. Yesterday I listened to one about cord cutting. Which was a needed reminder of all of the energy links I still have open. The podcast left me thinking, “I have so many areas I need to do this in… where do I even start?” My mind immediately went to that “old pal” from high school who occasionally shows up in my dreams. I don’t know if it’s because he’s the reminder of a core wound I’ve been struggling to heal for the past few years, or the guilt I feel around not reaching out when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I don’t even know if we were 21 at that time. I have a lot of cord cutting to do, and I’m unsure where to start. I gained some energy seeing one of my favorite podcasts had posted a new episode. I always gain so much knowledge from what the host shares, and this one was no different. She was discussing energetic posture and how many people get into manifestation for control. I wanted to laugh; I really needed to hear this 2 years ago. But I wouldn’t have received it at that time.
my “sitting desk” when my legs need a break
Just like yesterday, I had some things to prep for our deploy window, so that was my main focus. The work on my project went much smoother. I wasn’t sure if I had just released the friction or if my approach was better. Working with LLMs so much has its benefits and challenges. The trickiest thing for me is how much the space evolves. Every time I nail the workflow, it’s time to upgrade again!
One of the things I had written in my planner was to go through the bankruptcy info from the attorney I’m going to be moving forward with. This was actually written down for yesterday, but I’ve been working on giving myself the choice of 2 days to get things done. So, it actually had to happen today. I felt quite a bit of anxiety around it; I’ve been wondering about what the payment will be and paying the lawyer’s fee. There’s a part of my debt I plan on fighting due to predatory lending, so I have to face that now instead of in 3 months, the original plan. Currently I’m on a payment plan with my private student loan servicer, so I’m just waiting for the 28th to call and tell them the news. Instead of letting it loop in my head, I figured I’d go through the info in between LLM prompts. It took less than 5 minutes, so much better than worrying about it all day. The only thing I really needed to work on was getting my tax returns done, but all of that info was already with my accountant, so it’s just a matter of patience now. I made a list of what I need to compile, then figured I’d call tomorrow to schedule the bankruptcy intake session.
Riding was a huge priority for me. I haven’t been as consistent as I wanted to be for almost 2 years, and it really wears on me. I was going to lunge my young horse to see how he was feeling after his door incident, and light ride the older one, who has a bit of cellulitis that has been slowly going away. I love riding first thing, but the weather and my sleep schedule have really deterred me. I cleared out 2 hours before the deploy window to give myself enough time. My young horse was perfect. He always starts a bit sticky, but he didn’t feel sore, which was amazing. A sense of relief took over. I went to put polo wraps on the older one and was disappointed to find some heat and swelling. Now that Noep is in the clear, I need to worry about Colby! I assumed it was a bowed tendon at first from the polos he wore outside, but that diagnosis didn’t fit. So we skipped riding, and he got handwalked for a while instead.
My new nail polish was delivered today. Another thing I spent weeks debating purchasing before actually pulling the trigger. I refuse to put acrylic/gel on because I think it’s so toxic, but obviously struggle to get normal nail polish to last. After lots of research, I decided to try a new long-wear system, and I couldn’t wait to test it out. A little cautious about straying from my normal Lincoln Park After Dark, but this was supposed to be an exact dupe. I stayed at the barn until night check so I’d have an earlier night. When I got home, I sat down at my desk, excitedly opened the package, and started painting my nails. Codex had opened a stack of 11 PRs earlier that day, so I figured I’d go through those and get them reviewed, tested, and merged. But exhaustion took over, and my brain turned to mush, so I decided to do something very unusual: watch reality TV. My schedule doesn’t really allow for me to watch anything anymore, but I was curious about the Unwell Summer Games. I figured I’d watch for 15 minutes while my nails dried but ended up getting hooked and watched the whole episode! It felt so good to finally have some time like that to myself. I can’t remember the last time I did.
Wednesday: Seven of Cups Reversed
I woke up to countless Slack messages. Something really fun happens when you get so many: Slack will continue to send notifications even if they were from hours ago. I go onto our health page to a sea of red. Sigh. I woke up late today (0/3), so I’ll wait until the barn to deal with that. I can’t wait until we’re on the new system and this isn’t my responsibility. The main thing on my to-do list today was getting through that stack of PRs. I still can’t believe Codex did that; pleasantly shocked. But I guess I’ll see the quality once I start testing.
I intended to ride my horses today, but decided to give myself and them the day off. It’s so tricky balancing work and riding, especially with a job like mine. I wake up and feel like I’m under fire. And there’s this perpetual “I can’t get things done.” But even when I wasn’t taking care of my horses every day, I couldn’t get what I wanted done. I have a never-ending list! Anytime something comes up, I’m pulled in; I try to remind myself it’s a privilege to be so trusted. But it causes my nervous system to be in overdrive often.
Thursday: Four of Pentacles
I forgot to pull a tarot card this morning. Another night of poor sleep. This was a bit self-imposed. It was one of those nights I didn’t want to fall asleep because I didn’t feel like I had enough time to myself. I read something earlier about how procrastination leads to creating an identity of self-sabotage. That describes me pretty well. Quite unsettling. But I had a new sense of motivation to conquer the day. I woke up feeling like I would be my main priority, a 180-degree shift from my usual focus on what others need. I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk, so it was time to take action and turn that around.
I’ve recently been battling a lot of shame. I feel embarrassed about many aspects of my life. I’m exhausted, and I don’t have much free time. I continue to loop in patterns of self-destruction. Why won’t I do the things that I know are good for me? The podcast I listened to yesterday is still on my mind. It was an argument against energetic attachments, particularly negative ones. Could one of my core beliefs be shifting? There’s one person in particular who really sticks in my head around all of this. He was evil, possessing a shockingly unsafe energy. The best way I can describe him is pure destruction, the type of person who gets enjoyment out of harming others. He had been in and out of jail since we were 16/17. I think when you experience someone like that, it’s hard not to believe they’re under demonic influence.
Today was the first day I wore a jacket. Yesterday I just had my vest on, but was shivering all day. I was looking at heated vests earlier this morning while getting ready. I think it’s going to be a necessity this year for me. I feel a bit annoyed about needing to spend more money, but then I try to shift to the identity of who I’m trying to become. Money is an anxious topic for me right now just because of the bankruptcy, which I need to call the attorney about today to schedule! I’m unsure when I’m going to have my tax returns, but I’m really working on trusting it will all work out. Instead of feeling fear around the future and trying to bypass it, I’m allowing myself to feel it. Sitting in that discomfort and letting it move through my body. I got my session scheduled with the attorney l, refusing to let it sit in my brain like yesterday.
I brought lunch today, but ended up at Wendy’s around 12:30. I figured I’d stay at the barn until night check, and when I last did that, I ended up starving at 5 pm. I couldn’t even do anything; I was so hungry. So I figured I’d try to avoid that and get lunch, then eat my 2nd lunch a bit later in the day. My eating habits are something I really struggle with. I’m unsure if I can physically consume enough to keep me out of a calorie deficit. I spend all day at the barn, which I feel really lucky for, but today I just wanted to meditate. While I’m sure I could - these people already think I’m insane. I figured the next best thing was some quiet time in my car. I felt pretty activated. I have dread about attending a wedding this weekend, stress around my finances and the bankruptcy, overwhelm with work, and questioning why I have no motivation to do the thing I love the most: ride.
I take some time to remind myself I can ease of the pressure I feel around my work. I have a big project I’m trying to cram into completion in just a few days. I think about some of the others at the firm and how much they accomplish; they definitely don’t wake up with the same stress and urgency I do. This permits me to take a breath. And anchor back on my goal for today of putting myself first. This is my life after all; I’m not here on this earth to not enjoy it! It’s a good reminder of energetics. I believe we’re here to learn, and I can be frustrated with the circumstances or accept and navigate the lesson. I chose the latter.
Most of the day was spent thinking about how excited I was to ride. I carved out some time in the afternoon. It ended up working out pretty well. I say that as it’s 9:33 pm and I’m still working. But that’s the schedule right now, and I’m just so grateful for all I’m able to do.
I rode Colby first. The swelling in his leg seemed to go down, so I was feeling hopeful. I tacked him up quickly. “Why does my hair feel so thin?” I thought as I got my hair ready for my helmet. “At least it’s long, I guess.” We walked into the indoor. I got on, held my breath as I always do, and sighed once we got out the door. He felt relaxed and happy. As soon as I asked him to pick up the trot, he felt a bit off. But I had seen him trot earlier in the day and he looked totally fine! I figured I would keep going and see if he’d work out of it. He kind of did, but didn’t end up feeling 100%. I did super light work with him, trotting only a few minutes.
Then it was time for Noep. I wasn’t sure how he would feel. He was a bit spooky at first; for some reason, he’s a bit scared of plants. He walked right out to the wooden step on the floor separating the indoor from the outside. He froze. Took a deep, nervous breath. “Oh, here we go.” But I was pleasantly surprised; he felt really great. Started not feeling sore and was willing to go forward. I changed directions a bunch, worked on the bend a bit. Then cantered 1 lap each way. This horse is truly so special. And I feel so lucky I ended up with him. There’s this new sense of relief that comes with the bankruptcy decision, and part of that is I can release the anxiety around keeping Noep.
Then I gave them both baths with my new oatmeal shampoo. I ordered it a little while ago, but it’s been too cold to bathe them! I felt a bit anxious about the additional time I wouldn’t be working, but I kept prompting in between steps. And I kept anchoring on my goal of enjoying life. I ended up feeling so happy that I decided to bathe them; they both were so grimy prior. It was great not to drive back and forth. It was nice to have some time to relax at night, but I kept up the self-destructive behavior of poor sleeping habits. I could see it was the same procrastinating sleep that I always battle.
On my drive home from the barn, I was flipping through my Spotify. Sometimes I sit in silence; other times I record voice memos to vent. Other drives are consumed by podcasts. Listening to music hasn’t been something I’ve enjoyed recently. Which is pretty odd considering I have a collection of playlists I started in 2022/2023 tracking my favorite songs each week. Music has been something I’ve always loved; in another life I’m a music producer. After the business crashed, I found myself lacking that connection I had prior. But I came across an old song I really enjoyed, and ended up making a new playlist. Volume 4, chapter 23. Each year gets a new volume, and I was creating new playlists every week this year, but I stopped after it felt too forced. I was really excited to get a glimpse of this part of myself again.
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