Growing up, I always felt excluded from others. Even when trying, I felt incapable of fitting in. While this would remain true for the duration of my life, it’s something I have slowly grown into. One of the behaviors that stemmed from this was people pleasing. If I made people happy, then they would like me, and I would fit in, right? And while I think there are definitely other pieces that went into forming this trait, the lack of acceptance was the driver. I was a very shy kid. There’s a faint memory I have from when my parents threw me a birthday party. I must have been in Pre-K or Kindergarten at the time. I wouldn’t even talk to my friends at first! I hid behind my parents when they showed up, and it took a while to warm up to everyone. That feeling of isolation was very uncomfortable for me, and I realized it was pretty easy to escape if I just hid from the other people.

That people pleasing has caused a lot of damage. I credit a lot of my business failures to the behavior. There were so many moments I bit my tongue or went along with someone else’s plan because it meant less of a fight for me, or I could avoid hurting someone’s feelings. One of the biggest examples of this was when I signed the second loan. It’s one of the most defining moments: I really put myself on the line for the benefit of someone else. This led to so much self-judgement and anger around how I abandoned myself. Up until now, I have accepted the dual responsibility, and to a certain extent, I still do. I know the part I played in creating this atomic bomb. But I have spent the past year and a half crucifying myself for it every single day. Waking up with extreme guilt and regret, feeling especially guilty for the others involved. For this reason, I also just remained neutral in all of the fallout and figured I would take the punishment. Without anyone even asking, I volunteered as the martyr and assumed that role for myself. Part of it was that someone had to pay, right? In a situation where things don’t go as planned, who is at fault? My view was, “I signed up for the risk, I connected everyone involved, I will take the blame and the punishment.” This has led me to really bite my tongue, which is against my nature. I find myself being cautious about revealing too much of my side of the story. Careful not to drag someone’s reputation through the mud. And while that’s not what I intend to do, unfortunately, the facts of the situation may present themself in that way. They’re a little too stark to avoid that reality.

Something really disappointing was the realization that even when becoming a martyr, that wasn’t enough. People have complaints and want to gossip. The individual who gave me the loan is still claiming I owe him money. He received payment, yet he even threatened to contact my employer. So for that reason, I will no longer be the martyr. Since I’m already the villain of the situation from the perspective of others, I’ll gladly step into that role. My overconsideration will evaporate, and you’ll get to face the abrasion. I don’t know why but there’s a part of myself that craves war, conflict, vengeance. She ruthlessly goes after any threat. This is a piece I hide from because it’s terrifying how I have the ability to act with little remorse. But it’s only once I’m pushed over the edge and the people pleasing isn’t enough that I drop trying to please anyone. So, my first action as the villain is to reveal my narrative and recollection of the events.

I really wanted a sales horse. The conversation came up somehow, and it never stopped. I took action in every possible way at an attempt to secure the funding to start this venture. From my perspective, all I needed was an opportunity, and I’d build a successful business. It took me weeks to think of the business plan. What would I do differently? Then many iterations of slide decks until I finally captured the story. I showed up at the bank to get a loan. I had great credit and a high salary; surely that would help me. But no. Not many lenders are willing to fund a startup. Since that path was blocked, I looked for other directions. Family was the next choice. My grandma, my uncle, and I went over my business plan. From my perspective, things were almost secure, but I knew nothing was set in stone. She just kept telling me she didn’t want me to quit my job, which I wasn’t planning on doing anyway.

It was completely unprompted, but one day, I just received a video of a horse in the area to try. If it was meant to be, I knew I would receive the funding, and this was about 1 year into my spiritual journey. So incredibly naive - I love thinking about that version of myself. Already moving with SO much faith. So I said sure, I’ll try the horse while we wait for an answer from my grandma. I ended up going by myself; my trainer didn’t even come. I was so nervous, I was going to Declan’s farm. From what I had seen, they were one of the best in the area - they jumped big classes and won a lot. I tried this young mare, who I had so much fun on. She was absolutely perfect, a young horse that was amateur safe and just needed some show experience. I told my trainer that I would let her know as soon as I had an answer from my grandma. We ended up taking the horse on trial, and the next day, my trainer had a training ride to charge me for. She immediately scheduled a vet check after that. I still didn’t have any money to buy the horse, but I was just trusting.

The day of the vet check comes, and the first thing I notice is that the horse has a bunch of sarcoids and warts on her. She also didn’t know how to have her feet picked. I didn’t think much of it, but it was a hint that the powers above left me related to care at Declan’s, which I would unfortunately become way too familiar with. Our vet showed up, and the horse I thought had full X-rays was actually missing a few, so we would need to have those done. We do the normal jogging and flexions, then it was time for me to get on. I ride around and hop off, eagerly awaiting the consensus.

“The horse is a bit off in the right hind. It could be weakness or something deeper going on; we really won’t know until she gets stronger and you see how she holds up to jumping.” The vet tells me. “I’m not sure if you want to continue with the X-rays because it’s the most expensive part of the exam.”

I was disappointed. There I was, so close to having the sales horse and the business, and we couldn’t move forward. There was no way I could start the business, hoping the horse would be sound in the long term. I would just be setting myself up for failure, so we passed. Shortly after, my trainer texts me that a friend of hers is going to Europe and that he can find us a horse there. I had to break the news that my grandma ended up saying no, so I wouldn’t be getting my sales horse. And that was really disappointing. I stayed locked on that fact: I wasn’t getting my sales horse. Naively, I kept thinking that wasn’t possible because I’m manifesting now. Obviously I will get everything I want the exact way that I want it. So while I let the block get in my way for a bit, it wasn’t the end. And honestly, I did it. Knew what I wanted and got it in the end.

This distracted me from a larger dynamic in the background. I expressed that I didn’t have the money, yet I almost ended up in a really uncomfortable situation. If that horse had passed the vet, I would have been expected to negotiate and buy the horse. And I didn’t even consider the motivation. I told myself it was about supporting me in a business, but later realized it was about collecting commission. About making money off horse shows, even at the expense of my horse and me. And it’s tricky because at the end of the day, you can’t fault people for trying to feed themselves. A lot of my feelings towards these situations are related to events that would transpire later in the future, but that’s something to unpack at a different time.

Fast forward to the beginning of April 2024. I received a phone call from the same trainer in the middle of the day while sitting in my boyfriend’s old city apartment on the bright blue velvet couch. It was a loft, and the couch rested right in front of large windows. She told me that she received a job offer in the middle of the country and would be shutting her business down on May 31. This felt divine. I knew it meant a huge leap, and I was particularly unhappy after purchasing the sales horse, which I funded with a loan with questionable terms from a co-worker. This horse showed up with a huge scar on the inside of his leg, which was conviently left out of the photos. He had a stub for one of his teeth with no explanation. And the main challenge: he had no lead change. While I wanted to purchase a horse to do the young jumpers, my trainer wanted an equitation horse. I had a full time job and honestly lacked the skill or confidence to bring a young one along. For that reason, I decided: it’s not me selling the horse - I won’t put up a fight. This is another place where my boundaries slipped. And I ended up with an equitation prospect that couldn’t do the equitation due to the missing lead change.

There were some other challenges going on in the background with my riding personally, and I was already considering switching trainers and riding with Declan instead. She recommended I ride with him since she’d be moving, and also that I should take my sales horse there. Instead, I sent him to the person I knew would get him sold - my trainer back in NY that I groomed for. I started to realize one of the reasons I thought all of this was so easy was that the example I had was truly that good. In terms of finding and developing horses, there are a few that do it as well. And if I needed the horse gone tomorrow, he could get it done. I showed up with my young horse, feeling proud because even taking all the surprises into consideration, I thought he was a really nice horse. I was crushed when my old boss had other things to say. He told me I could get 1/2 of what I had put into him, and in the future, to never buy a horse without a lead change. So I decided to keep him at that facility, put more training into him, and try to break even.

I took my older horse to a show with Declan. While it wasn’t really something I even wanted to do, I felt like I had to keep to horse showing. That was the way to my goals. And it went about as well as it does with my older horse. We made it over a few jumps, lots of spinning, lots of taking off. Competing with him meant him staying on was an accomplishment. Declan’s reaction was, “Why are you showing this horse?” and the easy answer was that my previous trainer needed to make an income, so I was pressured into it. What’s funny is I held so much emotion towards my old trainer, then walked into a parallel situation. When Declan started asking about my sales horse, I originally thought it was out of interest for his son. He told me I should bring the horse to his barn, and we could figure it out from there. I recognized how I needed to keep pushing on building my riding skill, and I believed the best rider to get him sold would be Declan’s son. The sales barn dropped him off at a horse show, and I spent that week competing on him. He was the nicest horse I had ever ridden. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to even be on his back. We still didn’t have a plan settled, but he needed miles, and I needed experience. So I kept riding him. Every extra cent of my severance went into being able to compete on that horse. He just needed experience, I kept telling myself, then the right buyer would come along. The next stop was one of my favorite shows: Old Salem.

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