The concept for this blog has consumed my thinking, and I came to the realization that it’s probably one of my main issues: too much thinking paired with no action. That’s a lie - there’s actually been a minor bit; I have “written a few posts,” and by that I mean I will sit down in front of my laptop, usually high after a long day of work, and type whatever comes to my brain. This will go on for a few minutes, never more than 30, before I realize I am too tired and what I’m writing sucks. There are many times I question if I even have the skill to write anymore, when I haven’t in so long, have I atrophied to the point of no return? I do handwrite in a journal quite a bit, recording my life and different perspectives. That is more a reflection of my raw stream of consciousness, and for everyone’s best interest, should never see the light of day.

In terms of formal writing, that’s not a skill I would ever say I had. While I do have a high school diploma and actually gave a speech as salutatorian at graduation, my high school education is a debatable topic. I went to school on a farm, yes, a literal farm. There were cows on the property. We didn’t really have research papers, and the education I received was minimal at best. Except my math teacher was incredible. He was one of the first people to change the trajectory of my life. I ended up at a college that was the total extreme and very technical in STEM, but again, not much writing. Since graduating from college, I have written a lot of code and LLM prompts, so I feel like it’s even more challenging to sit down and produce something long-form.

A majority of those thoughts related to etephra went towards how I would introduce myself. I was even trying to imagine the perfect opening sentence. It’s also not like I haven’t tried to start this blog before. I’ve already been through several different concepts and iterations; this isn’t even close to what the final form will be. The point of all of this is that I realized that instead of thinking about it, I just need to write. Commit to the action instead of the anticipation, and do not get stuck in some sort of framework or getting too specific on what my blog should be. So that’s what I’m doing, and thanks for coming along on this journey with me!

One of the things I believe strongly in is setting intentions. And I don’t plan on doing this any differently. My intention: to record the lessons as I live them. Save memories and experiences. I’m hoping I’ll do some cool things that are worth remembering someday, but even if I don’t - I would love to have it all recorded for myself. Unfortunately, too many lessons I have lived more than once, so I would love to mitigate that in the future. But I truly do believe that everything works out for the best in the end, and my experience so far has proven that true.

My life has started to completely shift in front of me at a constant rate. It’s honestly so disorienting. A part of me feels like I’m finally learning how to control my reality a bit, something I have been working on for years. My journey up until this year was very goal-oriented. I would laser focus on one very specific target. Insistent on exactly how it all had to play out. This method never worked, but I was very stubborn and set on forcing it to. Until I really got knocked on my ass, which I’m sure I’ll slowly unpack those challenging lessons throughout these posts.

One key challenge I face now is to proactively ground. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the day, pulled in different directions. There’s pressure coming in from all sides. Financial pressure, which I really had to face this week. Pressure to perform athletically, intellectually, and at my job, and also for myself. It’s all internal. I just feel the need to be better than I was the day before. In every area of my life. With an endless to-do list.

I have also realized that being open to any experience means a lot is presented to you. There are so many things I have gotten to do that I feel so grateful for. Particularly, my business and all of those experiences. A core belief I have developed is that by thinking about a potential reality, you bring that into existence in some parallel universe. The most convincing evidence I have for this is my life. So many events with low probability have unfolded in really incredible ways.

A ghost that has come back to haunt me recently has been my finances. I was facing the worst circumstances last summer, and there were a few accounts that became overdue. Some resulted in more severity than others. One of them ended up in a particularly tough spot, and the resolution meant a large monthly payment on my end. I was able to get a special plan for 6 months since I was unemployed for a bit, but that plan ended this month. I let that eat away at me for the past 6 months. How will I pay for this loan each month when the lenience is up? It ends up being almost half of my salary. And that makes my stomach turn; it doesn’t sit well in my body. I hoped to work out another short-term plan to give me some more breathing room, but unfortunately, it wasn’t something I was able to get. This brought up a lot of old feelings of fear around money and starting at a disadvantage in life. There are many lessons here, but one key one: don’t run from responsibility.

Instead of just facing the consequences of my decisions, I spent so much time thinking about what they could end up being. Wondering if there was any way to make it more manageable. Regretting my decisions. Regretting the decisions that put me in that position to begin winning. Feeling unsure how I will pay for everything with a monthly payment that high. Hoping there was some way it would be easier. Feeling so much shame about that position I was in. It was my wounded self trying to keep me safe.

But then part of me realizes that I’m lucky to be able to pay for it, at least for this month. I will just take things one month at a time and trust that it will fall into place from there. Which is something that is really uncomfortable for me. Taking responsibility for the debt I owe and coming to the realization that my student loan payoff went from 30 years to 5. Part of my accountability has been totaling up my debt, and the number is scary. I even considered bankruptcy. But I asked myself: do I think I’ll be able to pay it off in 10 yrs? And it was yes without a doubt. It’s the first time I have actually faced this head-on.

It’s kind of funny: I have this payment due, then other financial stressors come up. This week I have felt so on edge. Every time I think about my finances, my body freezes. Fear takes over, not knowing how I will navigate out. Yesterday I got some insight: if it weren’t this situation, it would have likely been one much more severe down the line. The karmic lessons couldn’t be bypassed. Reflecting on my past business failures, why was I in such a rush to do it all? I could have just focused on paying off my student loans and pursued my dreams after that. But I felt this incredible sense of urgency.

Lots of introspection revealed it’s probably because I frequently don’t show up for myself. And instead of facing that version of me, I tried to bypass. That’s probably why I have walked around with so much guilt and shame hanging over me; there was this version of myself I kept trying to run from. Like being chased by the monster, feeling like I just need to reach the safe house that keeps moving farther in the distance.

I sit here , honestly unsure how I will navigate all of my debt. I focus on being grateful I am in a situation where I have the resources to do so, unlike the place I was in last year when I ended up defaulting. This has honestly been quite a lot to integrate and move through. It’s led to a whole range of emotions. I used to inspect them for meaning, thinking there must be an action that needs to follow. I’m learning that it’s just the body processing. I let that charge move through my body, then let it go. A big part of my journey has been learning to sit through that discomfort. It’s a zap that makes me feel like I need to shake around and get the energy flowing. Sitting still is hard and this is where I find myself resisting the most. Circumstances like this are where I often become too fragmented before eventually clinging to discomfort.

This morning I pulled the hierophant. And it brought on the perspective that these financial roadblocks are there for me to show myself what I am capable of. If I can overcome these, truly I am unstoppable. The way to do this is by bridging the divine and the material world. For me, this means deepening the connection with my highest self. I know who I should show up as each day, but I instead chose comfort. Continuously turning my back on myself, then feeling so much sadness over the self-abandonment.

My reasoning so far has been “I just don’t wait to” yet I never will. So it’s about not hiding from that resistance, sitting with it, then moving forward. Working on upgrading my belief in life to: each day I wake up and have the opportunity to exert my energy and contribute to the world. It’s all about energetic balance and placement. About being intentional. And about not letting myself hide or turn a blind eye.

Why did it take reality so long to sink in? All evidence points to how disconnected I became from everything. Fragmentation is something I fight daily. When I have set the intention to get everything sorted, solely rooted in shame. I knew that it was what I was supposed to do, so I kept shaming myself hoping that would cause me to take action. A loop of writing down the same goals in my to-do list but never crossing them out. A perfect example of this has been my taxes. I know I need to get them done and go through all of the expenses from my business, yet I really struggle to do so. There’s always something else that I want to do and work on. Which brings me to another perspective shift I’ve had. While I think this one could be its own tangent, it provides some really key background, I think. I have been purely focused on output. And when I make that statement, I can’t really tell if this has been persistent for me entire life, or more recently. The manifestation journey could definitely be a trigger, but as I reflect on the different versions of myself, I do feel like it’s a quality that has been around for a while. When I was grooming competition horses, I was always looking for something to do. It was drilled into my brain that you could never sit still or relax. It was never enough to experience the stress in the moment; I needed to anticipate it.

I find myself falling into this pattern the most with my career, even in my current role. Every single week, I remind myself that my worth isn’t tied to the number of PRs I ship. My job is honestly a whole can of energetic worms that we’ll unpack at another time, but it’s pretty intense and demanding. I find myself consistently under a lot of pressure, and I feel this sense of urgency. There was a key moment when I realized it’s not necessarily how much you produce, but also the quality. How did you show up? What was the intention? Was it authentic? Are you proud of the work? This is an identity shift I keep working on each day. But it’s definitely not easy.

I didn’t realize that in the introduction to my blog, I would put myself on blast in this way. But it is the lessons I’m learning. I have spent so much of my life conforming to the version of me that other people desire. I’m really looking forward to getting to be myself, and thank you for coming along on this journey with me. Who knows what will come next!

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